Sex in Words: The Hook-up: Jolynn Raymond's Dark Obsessions: Introducing Jolynn Raymond's Dark Obsessions Writing can bring out so many different parts of a person. Jolynn refers to her wo...
Why and How I came to be Dominant
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Saturday, February 15, 2014
First I want to thank everyone who liked the BDSM and Aftercare post. It really took a great tour around the blogging world. It showed me that yes, Google's new approach is working to get things out there, but those interested in kink and the importance of safety and knowledge do the job best. So again, thank you all for sending the Aftercare post hopping about.
I have contacted several friends and invited them to write guest posts for this blog on subjects that I either have no experience with, or don't feel I can speak in a voice that rings true. For those of us who live a kinky lifestyle, what we do, and who we are is part of the fabric woven into our lives. It doesn't represent us, and it isn't all there is to us, but it certainly is part of who we are. Along with being trustworthy, intelligent, honest, nurturing, and supportive, I am also bossy, opinionated, outspoken, and demanding. Those are both the good and the bad of me, but there are other things that I am as well that makes me neither good or bad. They are my kinks and my roles in the BDSM life we lead.
I have chosen to take on the title of Mistress. I am dominant. There are no blurred lines there. I am dominant in my love relationship, dominant to those who choose to serve me, and dominant to the core. No, I don't go about at munches or events with my nose in the air expecting submissives who I don't know and who aren't mine to cater to me. I am not their Mistress, so that would be rude and presumptuous. The other main title I have in BDSM is that of being a sadist. Yep, I get pleasure from hurting people, and I have zero issues with this desire. I don't question myself and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I came to terms with it a long time ago. I don't fear my dark side. On the contrary, I embrace it. How is that possible? I can love the part of me that enjoys inflicting pain, because I only hurt people who love to be hurt. I am not a sadistic deviant who goes about capturing and hurting innocent people. I hurt those who ask me to hurt them. I give them pleasure, releasing endorphins that give them a high, while at the same time getting a huge dose of having the ultimate control, releasing stress, and receiving an adrenaline rush myself.
I am telling you readers this because I want to speak about why we should be accepting of the kinks that are often misunderstood, spoken negatively about, scary and therefore deserving of scorn because we don't understand them, or down right disrespected. While being sadistic is a kink that is widely accepted, others are not so fortunate if their BDSM needs must be met with other, less 'popular' kinks. As I frequently say, if you aren't being negatively affected because of someone's fantasy or kink, leave it alone. You have zero right to be condescending or disrespectful. It may not be your kink, but those who find pleasure in it have a right to feel that way and do what they do.
So exactly what am I talking about here? Who are these people who many see as deviants? Who are those who are misunderstood? The people who practice cross dressing, men who are submissive, those who are Littles, those who engage in Daddy and babygirl relationships, adult babies, those who like golden showers, and yes, even those who find satisfaction in scat. Regardless of whether I find these fetishes either not my cup of tea or downright icky, it doesn't matter. No one is forcing me to play with poo, and those who do never do it in a public dungeon, so they are not inflicting their kink on me.
Submissive men are misunderstood. Somehow someway, people have gotten the idea in their heads that submissive men are weak. I mean how on earth could a man want to lessen their masculinity by being controlled by a woman. I mean we are supposed to be the weaker sex right? Therefore all submissive men must be sissies, push overs, or in general pussy whipped. Wrong. Many submissive men have no interest in sissy play, and even if they adore wearing women's lingerie it doesn't make them weak. I know some pretty masculine submissive men, but even if I didn't, why do some think it's okay to disrespect an entire sub group of kinsters? I have never had a relationship with a Little but I know people who identify as one. They range in mental, take note of the word mental, age of 2 to 9. Being a Little or having a relationship with a Little does not mean you like kink with children. I don't really understand the whole thing, but I do know these people find their joy in being able to be a kid again in their mind and in their relationships. Simply because I do not understand them does not mean I can disrespect them. There will be a post on this lifestyle role written by someone who does understand, and who in fact lives their private life as a Little in order to help clear up misconceptions.
The same issues that come up with Littles arises with the Daddy Dom and babygirl aspect. Again, I don't know much about this as it isn't my thing. What I do know is that Daddy and babygirl relationship does not involve children, and they don't mean that those who choose the role of Daddy Dom would really prefer to play with little or teenage girls. There are nuances in the relationship, one wants to nurture and the other be taken care of. One likes to be the disciplinarian and one the sometimes bratty kid. I see similarities between other D/s relationships and Daddy Dom and babygirl. Many 'regular' D/s relationships are built on nurturing, taking care of, disciplining, supporting, relying upon, being taken care of, etc. too. Again, I say it and say it loudly. Don't disrespect what you don't understand.
Men who love women's clothing, make up and wigs aren't weak or deserving of disrespect. Transgendered people certainly aren't either. I personally don't like pee play or clown play, but hey, as long as it isn't done in my house then why or why should I be negative about it? Medical play is a kink I haven't experience with and simply do not really get. I don't like to go to the doctor, but I am betting those who do like medical play don't particularly enjoy going to the doctor either. Your doctor is not your play partner so the kink element or the little thing inside that feeds on the fantasy is missing. Masochists don't like all pain, and sadists don't like inflicting all pain. I haven't met a masochist who enjoyed labor and giving birth, or got all wet and excited getting a root canal, but even if they did, so what? As long as they don't pull their dentist into a kink scene then no harm done.
All this boils down to fear of the unknown, and so I am going to attempt to educate my readers as well as receiving information that is new to me as well. We need to keep an open mind. Those who don't want to are in a sad state in my book. Life long learning is vital to keep us wise, accepting, and generally humane. Bigotry isn't okay. Disrespecting something that doesn't hurt you isn't okay. Being rude to someone just because they like to wear panties or even diapers isn't okay, so please come along for the ride as I welcome my guest posters who have agreed to shed light on 'those' kinks in an effort to educate others and be better understood.
Wednesday, February 5, 2014
I am in the process of setting up guest posts for my weekly BDSM articles. I have people lined up for the Daddy/babygirl relationship, CBT (cock and ball torture), as well as interviews with people who see themselves in the vastly different roles in BDSM. If you feel you’d have knowledge of a subject I haven’t written about, please write me at firstname.lastname@example.org. No one knows about every aspect of kink, and I want to continue to educate my readers in as many subjects as possible.
I am a strong advocate of aftercare when engaging in BDSM play. What we do for recreation not only affects the body, but also affects the mind. Whether I play intimately with my wife, high impact with my play partner who is tough as nails, or am topping a friend who wishes to learn techniques or experience something new, I always provide aftercare. The only time I would not, would be if in the pre scene negotiations, and someone told me they wish to be left alone in their space. Even then, I wouldn't feel it was just okay to put them out of my mind and I would make certain to learn what is their normal routine and usual activities after play.
I will say right now that not every dominant or top believes in, or provides aftercare. Some feel, "Hey you, clean and put away the gear." is the way to go. I won't say negative things about the way they do things. However, I will say that in pre play negotiations they ethically should tell a new partner they do not give aftercare. All of us are different. I will not bash someone's way of doing things, I will just help to educate those who are new or are seeking to learn by explaining and describing my views and what my aftercare consists of.
One last word of warning just because you know I have to make sure safety is covered whenever I talk about BDSM, driving in subspace is like driving drunk. Do not let someone you've played with drive until you are sure their feet are on the ground.
Everyone reacts differently to BDSM play and different BDSM play causes different reactions. I am a lover of sensation play, think feathers, vampire gloves, sharp and prickly things, fur, drumming canes, love electric play with the Neon Wand, and do impact play that goes from light to heavy depending on my partner. Sexual play along with BDSM play is reserved for my wife.
Play that causes pain can increase the release of endorphins into the system as well as adrenaline. Play that causes an emotional mind fuck such as showing your partner a sharp knife, telling them you're going to do evil things with it, blindfolding them, and then proceeding to use a butter knife or a claw to trace lines and 'cuts' all over their body will cause the fight or flight response in someone. Most times the option of both is denied because of rope, or because you have forbidden them to move. Their mind and body prepare for fight or flight and then can't. The body can go a bit haywire, but it can cause a tremendous rush as well. Think of the rush extreme sports enthusiast get when they do something dangerous. All of this may sound horrid to someone new, but those who do it, do it for a reason, and most submissives I know would never do psychological play or edge play with someone they didn't trust deeply.
Whether you do a good hard spanking, make your partner super relaxed and in tune with you through cane drumming or sensation play, do a heavy flogging session, tie them up, or do some other type of play, talk to them ahead of time to negotiate aftercare. Ask them how they react or have reacted in the past to different types of play and specifically to the type of play you are going to engage in. My wife needs to lie down, be warm, and be cuddled. This wasn't an issue at home, though our relationship was new and we hadn't played too much. The bed was near and she'd walk with my arms around her to it. When we went to an event I thought I had prepared for what she would need, but when I unclipped her cuffs from the cross, she went to her hands and knees and started crawling on the hotel convention area carpet.
I had put blankets and something cushy down, made a sort of nest for her that was soft, clean, and warm, but she threw me for a loop when she did that. The addition of a blindfold to help block out all the other people in the dungeon made her even more out of it than usual. I can't carry her and she was deep in subspace. The combination messed up my aftercare plans. I tried to get her up, but she was to the 'nest' I made pretty quick, still, I felt as if I hadn't prepared well enough. Now days I simply make sure the water, slippers, extra blankets, chocolate, etc. she needs is within reach of where she is going to lie down, and hold her tight until I get her there. At home we now have our dungeon in the basement. I pull two papasan cushions in from the rec room side, have a blanket heating on the towel warmer, and more on the cushions along with all that I need so we can lay together and cuddle. That is what she needs so that is what I do. She is foggy in the head and sleepy so I make sure she gets sips of water during play. I always have a bottle of water with a straw in it for whoever I play with to drink from during a scene.
My hard core masochist gets water during, frequent breaks from the hardcore implements like mixing it up with the fur mitt for a minute, scratching his back, etc. He has a robe at our house and Beauty often is making dinner while we play, so he gets a warm robe, a blanket, slippers, chocolate, (glucose can drop during play), and often his favorite meal of meatloaf afterwards.
Play that involves other friends who are new partners begins with negotiation. It's not a, 'Well if I do this, you can do that' kind of negotiation. They express what they are interested in experiencing, I tell them how I see things going and what I have planned. I do not tell my wife or my regular play partner what my semi scripted plan is, but I do with someone I haven't played with before. I also ask them, where on your body can't I touch you. This eliminates any confusion. It doesn't always mean private areas. They might have a shoulder injury, have arthritis, or like my wife, screws in their back. I also always ask them how they have reacted in the past to X,Y,Z. Even if the play I plan is completely new to them, I am interested in their past reaction to play in general and if there were problems that developed.
I usually try to have someone else in our dungeon when I play with a new partner. This is for both our sakes. Things can get really fuzzy in their heads. What I do may not be what they exactly remembered. I do a green, yellow, red check, for yes I like that, that's about my limit, or stop!. Things said by a bottom during play that is different from what was negotiated will make the play more intense, up the level of pain, or over ride what was listed as a hard limit. Decision making is skewed during play.
1. Always give water during and after play. A bottle of water with a straw that bends is great for during. Then you can give water at odd angles.
2. Have candy or chocolate to give after. Adrenaline or endorphin rush depletes the body's energy.
3. Have first aide supplies at hand. My heavy masochist partner sometimes get small skin breaks. I use an alcohol wipe, Band-Aids, with antibiotic ointment.
4. A warm blanket is essential in my book, especially if someone was bound.
5. A place to sit, or lie down that is comfy and at least semi quiet.
6. Soft words, the rubbing of their back, talking if they wish, or quiet if they don't but staying near.
7. Definite conversation after their head has cleared to make certain they are shaking off the fog. This doesn't have to be kink related.
8. My wife gets cuddles, soft words, hair smoothing, and loving touches.
9. I like my play partners to eat something and sit and relax. No rushing home.
10. There are numbing lotions for sore bottoms, or just plain lotion can feel wonderful. Use it on the back and bottom.
I make my play partner comfy and tend to the clean up myself, but that is just me. For a bottom, part of their recreation is the floaty sub space afterwards. I figure they have their right to it. Wiping down my toys and furniture pieces we used is no big deal. Perhaps I come down in my own way as I rearrange everything. I'm a bit OCD. With my wife, I love the cuddling after. It's a bonus that helps us feel closer and it touches the nurturer in me.
Do what is right for you, but if you're topping or playing with your submissive, make sure they know if you are one who doesn't give aftercare. Some submissives would be completely lost or feel cut loose without it. If you are a submissive who does want aftercare, tell your top. Even then, communicate what is normal for you. We play hard and sometimes our play is extreme. We owe it to each other to take care of the people we play with. Have that conversation people. It's important for safe, sane, and do consensual play.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Taken in Hand by Jolynn Raymond available on Amazon
I have combined many of my Ask Jolynn Posts and added information to help you begin a quality stable domestic discipline relationship or explore the world of BDSM with factual information that will keep you safe and explain some of the ins and outs of BDSM.
Jolynn Raymond has written a book that shares the details of her own long lasting domestic discipline marriage and her experience surrounding power exchange relationships. It explains why these unconventional relationships work so well for so many couples. The book is an in-depth tutorial that takes the relationship past the simple act of discipline, to building a rock solid foundation that will ultimately create a deep bond of trust and love between those involved.
Taken In Hand will guide those interested in adding consensual domestic discipline, dominance and submission, and structure to their own relationship through the initial steps of communication, understanding and discovering both partner’s needs, creating mutual and realistic expectations, rules, and consequences, to the inevitable first spanking.
Taken In Hand will prove useful to those just starting out, as well as to those with some experience, as Ms. Raymond outlines the pitfalls, difficulties, and successes she has encountered in her own marriage. She also emphasizes the importance of consent, and pays special attention to the fine line between discipline and abuse. The last part of the book examines the styles and types of spanking, gives an anal sex tutorial, talks about the responsibilities or being a dominant and gives tips for the submissive partner. Whether you need insight into BDSM as it relates to relationships or are trying to build a domestic discipline marriage from scratch, Taken In Hand will prove to be a comprehensive and practical guide.
When having a conversation with other dominants or reading the posts on the Fetlife Mistress forum, the subject of the do me sub always pops up. The do me submissive does exist with women submissives, and I know men deal with this on occasion, but as a whole, women are more pliable and accepting of learning their dominants wants and needs. It is for this reason that in my opinion it is a bigger factor when female dominants are searching for a male submissive. I don't think the concept is due to men being more selfish in relationships, I think it's because men don't really understand what it is a mistress really is looking for in a submissive.
I am going to outline what it is I would seek in several different categories of submissives. This is not an ad for a submissive. I am outlining what my requirements would be in order to help those who wish to fill a submissive position. As I have stated many times, Being a dominant isn't all about me. Having a submissive comes with lots of responsibilities, but if you wish to get your foot in the door, you must focus on what a particular dominant is looking for in the first place.
Position of an intimate personal submissive - Most submissives I know are seeking a male submissive with whom they can have a long term loving relationship with. Think boyfriend or girlfriend with the addition of kink. I am very lucky to have found the love of my life. I have a person who is both my submissive and my wife. Our 24/7 relationship has both the everyday aspects of real life, (menopause, colds and flu, tired from work, only want to watch TV together) along with the aspects of kink we both need, but prior to her becoming my intimate partner, there was a lot of time and training in between meeting her and collaring/marrying her.
If I were seeking an intimate male, and please remember this is hypothetical, the following qualities would be vital.
1. Outside interests that are compatible. Life is not one long kinky BDSM filled experience. All of us have real lives and families. The person who is my submissive and LTR person must be compatible in some areas outside of kink as well as being compatible with my family. When having holiday dinner with my 87 year old mother it makes zero difference if you are into ass play. Beauty and I live every day lives. We do vanilla things, I go to work, she keeps our home, we watch movies, travel etc. When addressing a woman you are interested in who is seeking a personal submissive for a LTR, think outside the kink box.
2. The person would have to be willing to spend time with me as in dating and meeting for coffee etc., doing things together to get to know each other. I would have to know that any potential intimate long term relationship submissive who would be the potential singular alpha submissive in my life have the following qualities - Trustworthy, kind, patient, honest, articulate, make me laugh, be a good listener and conversationalist, obedient, be compatible with what I like both kinky and non in the bedroom and dungeon, understanding of when I have had a hard day and wanting nothing more than to make me feel better whether by listening, rubbing my feet, bringing me tea, creating a serene home environment, and understanding that women have emotions and dominants aren't always rock solid strong, self sufficient in the way of having initiative to do what needs to be done as well as being able to care for yourself.
As a dominant I care for my submissives but they must also be strong enough and stable enough to care for themselves and be capable. They must also be someone who could give comfort and emotional support whether that is a should to cry on, arms to hold me, give me passion in bed, or be bound to the cross for a session of flogging or whatever to appease my inner sadist and help let out the stress from my job.
3. I will repeat part of this and put it in bold because it applies to anyone who would serve me and be allowed into my home. Trustworthy, honest, discrete, patient, kind, flexible, obedient, sincere, intelligent, self sufficient, capable, stable.
4. A personal submissive would - Care for my home and fur kids as well as me. Obey the rules I have set forth. Make my life easier not harder. Care for me when I have medical issues, be able to comfort me, love me, be themselves with me so I can be myself. Be my partner, my love, my other half, my submissive, and my toy. You will note that nowhere in these things did I mention demanding or only in it for you. While playtime and kink needs would be respected and attended, a long term partner would have to be so much more than just compatible kink wise. Think about all these things I just said and then think about how well a dick pic accompanied by an email that said "You can fuck me with a strap on and force me to do anything." would go over.
A House Submissive - A house submissive is classified by someone who is not the alpha submissive nor love of my life. They are a person I come to trust and who comes to be a friend. Playtime that satisfies both our kink needs is given when earned. A house submissive would be someone who at times is seen and not heard. There could perhaps be some intimacy during play. Remember this is only a hypothetical position, not a real one I am seeking. A house submissive or close submissive would do what must be done around the house without the benefit of me standing there with heels on and wielding a riding crop. That would make you a do me sub. Your work should be done without that for my being there with a riding crop and standing over you ordering you about would be considered a kinky reward. It is of no use to me to have someone to do what I need, housework, rub my feet, cook for Beauty and I, give pedicures, clean the garage, or whatever, if it requires my time to 'make' them do it.
A house submissive also must be discreet. We have friends over for play parties and CFNM's and anyone who served me would have to fill out papers, get to know me, understand the process would take time, be willing to do as I ask in meeting me in public, come to local munches so those who come to the house would be comfortable with your service. Basically it comes down to what I laid out above.
I will repeat part of this and put it in bold because it applies to anyone who would serve me and be allowed into my home. Trustworthy, honest, discrete, patient, kind, flexible, obedient, sincere, intelligent, self sufficient, capable, stable.
This position is about half way between a personal LTR submissive and a service submissive. There would be frequent play and probable intimacy which most likely would not involve full blown intercourse sex. What I mean is if you were into anal you would be rewarded with strap on play (Nope, I don't personally do this. Remember this is hypothetical) or your anal needs would involve butt plugs or the Sawsawl (sp? I can never remember how it's spelled. A friend brings it over when we have play parties and our service sub Jacob is rewarded with a session when he's earned it). It could also involve oral service given by the submissive. Some Dommes would wish for full blown sex from a house submissive, some do not. Again, there would be frequent play but there would also be chores and this submissive would not be my primary relationship.
Service Submissive - In my world this position involves very little play. The service submissive gets their satisfaction by doing service and receiving a word of praise and a smile from their mistress. She does not have to stand there in heels with a crop as mentioned above, and she does not need to closely supervise the service.
My service submissives serve at play parties, have the option of having me help negotiate a play scene with someone at the party, and have me attend the play to monitor my service submissive's safety. They also do anything on my list of man chores. Cleaning, washing the car, hanging pictures, walking the dog, mowing the yard, helping Beauty plant and weed, running to the store, the list goes on. The only intimacy would be foot rubs or possible back rubs. There is thought given to their kink needs but this is SERVICE ORIENTED. Our dick enjoys being a foot stool and he enjoys the occasional spanking or wearing of a butt plug. I do not have to supervise him. He takes great pleasure in spending the afternoon with us and doing the things on his man chore list.
I will repeat part of this and put it in bold because it applies to anyone who would serve me and be allowed into my home. Trustworthy, honest, discrete, patient, kind, flexible, obedient, sincere, intelligent, self sufficient, capable, stable.
He would not be out to get pleasure from kinky acts that feed his fetish desires. It's not that I'm being selfish, I am describing what a service submissive's position simply does not entail. This person grows to be a friend, but they are more likely to get me in my robe and slippers sitting on the couch writing than they are heels and a crop. I put on my mistress outfits for parties but not for when a service sub comes over. I have to be able to be just me and they have to be able to be okay with that. If you couldn't handle a mistress who was just a normal yet assertive person most of the time, you wouldn't be a good fit for me.
This is just an outline that is really geared towards my point of view and from what I have read on the mistress forums or talking to other mistresses. In general, if you want a woman who is dressed to the part all the time and who will fulfill all your fetish needs every time you see her, go to a pro domme. She will be willing to do as you want all the time and not worry about what she likes because that is her job. A mistress (pro domme included but again, her job is to do your fantasy) is a person, a mistress gets tired, a mistress gets sick, a mistress does vanilla things, a mistress has a job and family, a mistress has emotional needs.
Think about pleasing the whole woman, not just the kinky slice. Your relationship may evolve to be play partners who primarily meet just to play and get their kinks met, but play partners are different from submissives. Think about the woman, not about what she can do for you. To get the foot in the door don't send one liner emails such as "You can do anything to me." Really? Anything? How does that help me and how does that really tell me about yourself? Don't send dick pics unless asked to. They are offensive. You are not just a penis and if you only think with it and it represents you as a person, I am not interested even if I were straight and seeking a LTR with a man.
Be articulate, be willing to meet and actually have a conversation. I have no time for online crap. Seriously, to those who send me messages from Thailand or where ever that is a thousand miles away. Really? You can serve me from there? How exactly does that work? Be honest and open. You are more than your kink and so are we. Past experience is great, but I very well may train in a vastly different way. Just be yourself and act intelligent. If you act like a jerk online with a crude pick up line you would never say to a woman in person don't expect a positive reply.
Don't be a do me sub. Be a do for me sub. Once that is established and boundaries and needs are worked out, you may find yourself in a satisfying dominant and submissive relationship whatever level it is on.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Spanking Stories by Celeste Jones: We Can Do It! Jolynn Raymond Shares Her Secrets to...: It’s a new year and I am determined to become more productive, so I thought I’d get some advice from the experts…my writing friends. O...